Imagine a calm lake.
Settled.
Still.
At peace.
Now imagine throwing a large rock out into the center of that lake. Notice the splash and the way the rock pushes the water out and away from the center. See the ripples as they form, spreading the energy from the center.
Physics tells us that everything seeks to have a small energy state, therefore the ripples are an effort to disperse the larger energy state created by the rock. In this case, the water is seeking a return to that calm, settled state.
We are not much different. Something (a seemingly never-ending pandemic comes to mind) or someone may come along and disturb our current state. Or “big energy,” like feelings of anger or anxiety, which we may judge as “bad” energy, can throw us off. In either case, we may seek to get rid of or avoid the feelings that result in an effort to get back to where we came from or not feel the pain.
The catch is our disbursement isn’t typically like that of the water – letting the energy pass. Oftentimes, we unconsciously push the energy state or feelings down and away, resisting them. This resistance ends up causing us to store that emotional energy or pain below the surface.
Below the Surface
While it’s a natural human reaction to push away the pain, resisting it and oftentimes judging ourselves for the having the feeling can leave us feeling more frustrated and upset. Add frustration and self-judgment to the unresolved emotional storage that sits below the surface and it can prolong the pain and build pressure.
If you have ever had a large reaction to a “small” challenge, you know what I’m talking about. The pressure of holding, dismissing, ignoring, or bottling up emotions that need to be relieved can build until the force is too great to hold any longer. It can come out when we least expect it and sometimes it’s at the expense of innocent bystanders. Those we love most can usually attest to having been on the receiving end of this release.
I am embarrassed to say that I have had more than my fair share of emotional “releases” directed at those that I love. Looking back at how I responded to some of my children’s actions when they were younger it’s so obvious that they were unwarranted. Today, I am far from perfect, but regular practice of consciously feeling what I’m feeling, helps me better recognize when something big is brewing.
So, how can you work with the big feelings that come your way?
The Choice
If the rock is the issue, the ripples are your feelings that result. Those feelings, especially if they are stressful, radiate through your body, triggering biological processes such as the release of stress hormones, leading to a quickened heart rate, and breathing, among many other things. All of this influences your thoughts and your actions.
Your body and mind reactions happen quickly and usually without your conscious awareness. It is likely a habit your body uses to protect itself, so it can be tough to recognize that at the moment you have the choice to respond, instead of reacting, to whatever or whoever disturbed you. This power to restore yourself may not be what you think.
Although these are each natural human reactions, it’s not about:
Making sure your point is heard,
Stewing on or worrying about the situation,
Fixing or thinking our way out of it,
Getting advice from those you trust,
Or weighing the pros and cons of the situation.
As long as the feeling is present in your body, it will continue to pay you a visit in some way. Feelings are part of our threat detection system and actually feeling them can help them move through and along. It can also help you learn what they are trying to share.
Sit With Your Big Emotions
It takes practice to sit with your feelings or as I like to say “sit with the ick.” Doing this can seem counterintuitive as if you are choosing to feel bad or cementing the feelings in. But with practice, it can actually help you process your feelings, learn what they are trying to convey and even release them.
Here’s an exercise to try when you’d like to experiment:
Find a quiet place and set a timer for as long as feel like sitting with your feeling(s).
Place a hand on your chest and the other on your belly and take 3 deep breaths. Close your eyes if you are comfortable.
Try to locate the feeling you are experiencing in your body.
Get curious about this feeling, without judging yourself for having it:
If it had a shape, color, or texture, what would it look like?
What kind of thoughts comes to mind when you pay attention to this feeling?
If it could talk, what would it say?
Is this feeling reminiscent of past pain?
Imagine setting this feeling outside of you. Is there any space between yourself and the feeling?
While sitting beside this feeling, imagine what you would tell a good friend or loved one who feels this way. It’s likely that you would validate what they are feeling. Can you do that for yourself?
Take 3 more deep breaths before opening your eyes.
Notice if anything has shifted.
Want to be guided through this exercise? Click here for a video version.
What Next?
Practicing sitting and feeling your big emotions can help you create space around them. With practice, you develop a capacity to “hold” your own emotions. While having this ability doesn’t necessarily mean that the feelings will be any less difficult, it can help you recognize that you are not your feelings.
Once you can see that they are something temporary that you are experiencing you can choose what to do with them – allow, accept, or explore them – the choice is yours.
Did you try this? I’d love to hear what you thought! Email me at carrie@nurturedhealing.com
