Have you ever said or thought,
“I’ll be happy when…
I move out.”
I graduate college.”
I buy a house.”
I get married.”
I have kids.”
I lose weight.”
I pay off my student loans.”
we buy a bigger house.”
the kids move out.”
I get my new car.”
I make more money.”
I get a promotion.”
I can travel.”
the house is paid off.”
when I retire.”
fill-in-the blank.”
We have been sold a story (and product marketing capitalizes on this) that we are not, will not, be happy until we get somewhere other than where we are currently. Or own the thing that catches our eye, or have all of our ducks in a row. The truth is that happiness will never come from a thing or an event or even from well-positioned ducks.
We have spent so much time looking outside of ourselves, searching for the holy grail of happiness, when in actuality, we need to look inside. It is wishful thinking to believe it’s as simple as change your thoughts, change your life. Yes, happiness is a mindset, but the mindset cannot be achieved until you do a bit of research to understand what makes you happy and how you can self-regulate in order to achieve it.
Spoiler alert: Knowing what makes you happy and self-regulation have nothing to do with that new car you’ve had your eye on. Part of the practice is paying attention to your state of mind. How is your mood the majority of the day? If it’s not happy, why? Where are you focusing your energy and attention? And what is underneath that?
The human brain is wired to look for the negative so as to protect the body from threats, but you have the opportunity to override the system. There are certain tactics you can employ to make the switch, and depending on how long you’ve been “waiting” for your happiness to appear you may need to try and practice more than one.
Change your perspective. Finding the bright side of a difficult situation or even the mundane every day stuff can have a dramatic effect on your outlook. You can look for Silver Linings via this science-based practice from the Greater Good in Action. This is a choice you make and it takes practice.
Identify what makes you happy. Do you know makes you happy? Research has shown that it’s not the stuff that makes us bubble over, it’s having social connection, being kind to others and being part of something greater that gives us a sense of purpose. Reflecting on those areas, do you have room for improvement? Or do other life factors resonate with you?
Find happy in the moment. We only have today. Even while working towards larger goals you can look for something simple and practice being happy about it every day. By practice I mean, feel it in your body, sense it, speak it, share it, whatever helps you exude the feeling of being happy. A quick route to begin this is by practicing gratitude.
Look underneath the feeling. If you regularly experience feelings of unhappiness, ask yourself, what is behind this emotional reaction? What need is not being met? Oftentimes overarching habitual feelings can be tracked back to something we experienced in childhood and the stories we tell ourselves about it. Maybe it’s time to rewrite your story because in the end only you can choose how it unfolds.
Be kind. This is one of my favorites! Not only is it an easy way to help you feel good, it also connects you with others and positively impacts their day. Poet, Helen Steiner Rice reflects this in her poem, “Help Yourself to Happiness.”
Help Yourself To Happiness - Helen Steiner Rice
Everybody, everywhere seeks happiness, it's true,
But finding it and keeping it seems difficult to do.
Difficult because we think that happiness is found
Only in the places where wealth and fame abound.
And so we go on searching in palaces of pleasure
Seeking recognition and monetary treasure,
Unaware that happiness is just a state of mind
Within the reach of everyone who takes time to be kind.
For in making others happy we will be happy, too.
For the happiness you give away returns to shine on you.
How will you find your happy today?
