I have jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet.
I have walked down a slick fashion show runway in heels
and spoken to a crowd of 400+ people.
I have also rappelled down a cliff next to a 110-foot waterfall.
Each of these actions carry a certain level of risk. For a couple of these decisions that I made years ago, there is the obvious risk of death. A month ago if you asked me what kind of risks I’m taking in my every day life today, I would have replied, “None.”
Yet, two weeks ago I found myself questioning whether the turquoise glitter nail polish I was immediately drawn to for my long-awaited pedicure was too risky of a choice. At the moment, my brain was telling me that it wasn’t practical. It wasn’t a sensible choice, because the color wasn’t neutral enough to go with everything (as if I’m that color coordinated).
It was telling me that I would regret it.
You see, getting a pedicure is a treat and with everything going on in the world I may not be able to get one again for a long time (understandably, this is not a necessity). So, I felt extra pressure to make this luxury moment count.
Of course, this is a very surface level example of something many people experience when making decisions every day. So many variables are driving our daily choices and oftentimes we do what we feel we are “supposed to” instead of what our heart calls us to do.
We make the “safe” choice to avoid risk, embarrassment, judgement or failure. We make the “safe” choice because we want to avoid getting hurt or upsetting others. We make the “safe” choice because it feels familiar or it’s easier than putting ourselves or our reputation on the line.
We get really good at rationalizing the “safe” choices because it’s what our brain knows or gravitates toward and is comfortable with. We think we are making the choice from our head, weighing our options and making a decision.
The truly interesting part is that our body has a lot more say in those daily decisions than we realize. The majority of time it determines how we move forward or don’t and how we respond to the situations we find ourselves in.
Without any effort on our part, our autonomic nervous system is in the background running the show. In addition to regulating heart rate, breathing, digestion and numerous other processes in the body, it also uses something called neuroception to “listen” to three things:
What’s happening inside our bodies,
What’s happening in our environment and,
To how we are in or out of connection with other nervous systems around us.
Neuroception, a principle of Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, is a process that happens passively beneath our awareness. Its purpose is to allow our bodies to scan for safety and danger and over time it is calibrated to respond in particular ways. Basically, it creates response habits or patterns of survival.
For example, if you grew up in a household where you were often criticized like I did, your nervous system may have neurocepted that criticism is dangerous. It may be biased toward protecting you from making the “wrong choice” as a way to attempt to prevent you from being criticized.
From that protective or defensive state, a comment from your boss, partner or a friend that you perceive as even slightly critical can quickly move your system toward a fight, flight or freeze response. This biological response from your body automatically sends a signal to the brain that you are unsafe and your brain will create a story to make sense of the experience.
My boss is a jerk. I am so sick of working here. I should just quit.
My partner doesn’t treat me right. Why are we even together?
My friend is just jealous. They don't understand me.
The story could also be aimed at yourself.
Why did I make that mistake? I’m so stupid.
I’m not good enough. I don’t know what they see in me.
Why don’t I have it all figured out like my friend? I feel like I’m failing.
All of this happens automatically, beneath conscious awareness, it is done in service of our survival and it’s our body’s way of keeping us safe. The automaticity is useful and important in actual unsafe or life-threatening situations. However, the challenge comes when we get stuck in survival patterns that turn off our “thinking brain” and move us beyond our ability to adjust to stressors in our life.
The good new is that we have the power to interrupt and reshape our patterns of survival so that we can respond more accurately to the situation at hand. By bringing awareness to the neuroception process and how our body is responding we can create space between ourselves and the story.
In her book, “Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection,” author and therapist Deb Dana, refers to this as traveling upstream to the starting point before the feelings, behavior and story began. Dana suggests that going upstream allows us to investigate how our internal surveillance system shapes our story and from there we can recognize how our body is protecting us and begin to edit our story.
I have been experimenting with going “upstream” to understand the root of my responses and edit my stories. The turquoise glitter nail polish, a small decision in overall picture of life, was a perfect opportunity to explore.
While contemplating the polish color, my body was communicating to me that it didn’t want me to make the “wrong choice” and my brain was buying it. The first thing I did was bring awareness to my body’s alarm bell. I sensed what I felt in my body and checked in to the three places my autonomic nervous system was listening:
Inside my body - my alarm bell ringing.
In the outside environment - all was well, I was safe.
Other nervous systems in proximity to me - all was well, I was safe.
By noting my external safety and the safety of the other nervous systems around me I could see that the only alarm sounding was my internal one - falsely set off by an old survival pattern trying to protect me from making the wrong choice. With this understanding I was able to bring compassion and gratitude to my body for working to protect me and then I could change my story.
Thank you for trying to keep me safe body. You are ok.
I like this color and I am going to try it. It is not permanent,
I can change it if I don’t like it.
So all that was left to do was to take a deep breath (extending my exhale to help further calm my alarm) and say, “I’ll go with the turquoise glitter color,” to which the nail tech smiled and replied, “Liberty (the polish color name), that’s a great choice.”
How is your body trying to keep you safe? Where can you choose liberty in your life?
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